Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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