can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
