When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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