I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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