The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Be still, my beating vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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