I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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