if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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