First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
