Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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