Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
