Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
