Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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