Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
