I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
