you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
