broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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