now i know why i became what i already was.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
