you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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