yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
being pregnant is like rehab
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
