I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
