So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
