There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
