Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize