Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
