I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
