apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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