You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
