Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize