She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
