when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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