it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
