I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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