he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
