Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize