Already got asked if we're dating
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
