I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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