Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think I sprained my soul last night
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
