I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
