i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
