I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
