I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
