Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
