wrigley field is MILF paradise
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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