All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
