I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
