So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
