im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize
