I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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