i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize