He uses pillows to masturbate.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
