It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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