a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize