I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
