I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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