A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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