dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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