I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
