We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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