Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize