yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
