you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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