I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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