Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
that may or may not have been my penis.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
