Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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