Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
